power, privilege, and everyday life.

As an openly gay man who grew up in Missouri, I found life to be much easier hiding my sexuality. If I am asked, I will tell. But frankly, it’s no one’s business but my own. And here is a recent example of why microaggressions lead me to continue to hide who I am.

To “throw shade” is to belittle someone inadvertently through looks, comments, gestures…

Recently at work, I decided to share with a coworker that I am gay. During conversation she made me feel comfortable enough with her to allow her into that part of my life. Although her reaction was with pause (having no idea, she claimed), it was as if our work relationship never changed. Honestly, we’re closer now than ever before, which is great. I started to think that with the passage of marriage equality for the LGBT community, there was a different mindset held by the people of this nation. That we LGBT are equal under the law, and that people recognize that.

Tolerance, however, is a different story.

Within weeks of telling the first coworker that I was gay, it started to come up in conversation. Other people asked, and I wondered how it seemed that everyone had been talking about it.

Now a month has gone by, and the relationships with my coworkers have changed. The other day, a coworker told me in front of other coworkers that he doesn’t agree with gay marriage. That it’s an abomination. That we should have our own “thing”. That marriage by definition is for a man and a woman, so why should gays be able to marry? It doesn’t make sense to him. “Nothing against you,” he says. That, right there, belittles me as a human being. It’s difficult to work at a place where I am told that I am inferior, but what choice do I have? To walk away and let the bullies continue to win? To contact HR with a case of someone throwing shade?

There are certain coworkers who look at me with disgust when no one is around, as if I’ve committed the most heinous act. Every time I’m walking the floor and pass these certain coworkers, I continue to smile and go on about my way as I see them give me a look that only “throwing shade” can describe. I feel as if they are so upset with who I am that I am not even welcome anymore. As if I have offended them by working there and I should not have applied for that job in the first place. I understand that we need to have thicker skin to deal with our problems and that we should hold our head high because we know who we are. But subtly making someone feel inferior is an act of bullying. I am not making myself a victim, the aggressor is. I can understand why the tipping point of racial injustice is turning sideways because the feelings of these “victims” (as some would like to put it) are no longer feeling hurt, they are starting to feel upset and angry. All we are doing is trying to stand up for ourselves against a bully. Doing so in one-on-one settings isn’t helpful or appropriate. It only further allows the bully to know that they have control over our feelings, and we are tired. Taking this to a national stage and letting the world know they exist is the only way to stop the repeated acts of harassment.

Although some argue that teaching about this type of bias will lead to a culture of victims, we are already victims. We have lived with a lifetime of being victimized, and it is nice to finally stand up and call out our aggressors. These aggressors were once called bullies, and people once laughed along with them. Now it seems the people who are upset because we are “victimizing ourselves” are the ones who are continuing to bully us today. I thank you for giving us the ability to speak up and not feel ashamed. These slight aggressions make it more difficult to work and at times even to be in public. I see the looks that people give to more obviously gay people in line at gas stations and convenience stores, and I can only imagine what it must be like for them. That is why I continue to hide my sexuality from others. I am not that strong.